8.5.09

Listening to Pharrell "Frontin"...it's nice

I spend all day, thinking. I spend all day, confused. I spend all day, trapped.

What is this world that I am in? And how do I even begin to live it? I mean I try ya know? Try to throw something together...or at least I use to. The past couple weeks have really beaten me down even farther though. There's something in psychology called Depersonalization, it's a Dissociative Identity Disorder, and I think to some extent I might have it.

I hate for the past three and a half years that my primary focus has been on how crappy my life is. I hate that I haven't had any lasting satisfying experience in that time. I pray that just through writing this something good might happen.

So in this whole Depersonalization Disorder the person can feel like they're living a dream, or for some reason are in some kind of fog. And I guess that's how i feel. Reality just doesn't seem very real to me. People, experiences. Things are just not quite right. It's hard. I mean I have to say there's been good because there's been some extremely kind hearted people in my life, and I can almost guarantee if you're reading this than you're one of them. Honestly so many names come to mind when I think of my past three and a half years. But..idk..there's no substance to me...there's "something missing" as John Mayer would put it.

I wonder if many people feel like this?

And I most apologize to the people in my life who don't know about the struggles I face daily. I wish I had the courage to be honest about it more often...but it's hard.