8.5.09

Listening to Pharrell "Frontin"...it's nice

I spend all day, thinking. I spend all day, confused. I spend all day, trapped.

What is this world that I am in? And how do I even begin to live it? I mean I try ya know? Try to throw something together...or at least I use to. The past couple weeks have really beaten me down even farther though. There's something in psychology called Depersonalization, it's a Dissociative Identity Disorder, and I think to some extent I might have it.

I hate for the past three and a half years that my primary focus has been on how crappy my life is. I hate that I haven't had any lasting satisfying experience in that time. I pray that just through writing this something good might happen.

So in this whole Depersonalization Disorder the person can feel like they're living a dream, or for some reason are in some kind of fog. And I guess that's how i feel. Reality just doesn't seem very real to me. People, experiences. Things are just not quite right. It's hard. I mean I have to say there's been good because there's been some extremely kind hearted people in my life, and I can almost guarantee if you're reading this than you're one of them. Honestly so many names come to mind when I think of my past three and a half years. But..idk..there's no substance to me...there's "something missing" as John Mayer would put it.

I wonder if many people feel like this?

And I most apologize to the people in my life who don't know about the struggles I face daily. I wish I had the courage to be honest about it more often...but it's hard.

Galatians 5:1-6

Ok....
Here it goes....
First post of a new me....
A new faith....
A faith wrought through years of suffering.... Years of persecution....
Producing a will that has one sight....
One aim....

....and that aim is itself faith.
Faith in the Son sent to die for my iniquities....for my shortcomings....
I don't know much about either...Christ's death...or my faults....well maybe I know a good deal about my faults....
But I do know faith. I can do faith. I can handle that part....

First off if you wanna know much about faith look through Galatians. I think Paul does a good job of painting a good picture on faith in this letter. Faith is just believing in God. Just choosing to do it. At all times. And right now for me that choice is more mental than heartfelt I believe. Because I believe if it was completely heartfelt there would be a lot more peace in my life.

Or maybe it is heartfelt quite honestly. And maybe it takes time for God to heal the wounds that life has afflicted. It seems obvious that it should take time. But maybe after a persecution of so long a man can just hope for immediate answers and relief. Maybe he can desire it.

God is here. And I choose to believe it. That is what I know. There are many questions that are still in the air though after this point. But the main fact is knowing that God is on my side. God has a good and true purpose and I will trust in that regardless of the circumstance that life presents to me. Even if that means mentally fighting off all the fear that my heart is approached with. Or just yelling at the doubts in my own head.